Fuck pants, who needs them.

My four AND A HALF year old will never miss an opportunity to 1. Say a bad word and 2. Pull his pants down. Now, before you call CPS on me, let me explain a couple things. #1. My kid loves to dance and shake his butt…well more like twerk his ass (let’s be real) and no, I didn’t teach him this. My brother (hi Tony) did 2 summers ago. Yes, I said two which made him 2 at the time. (I have video proof of this) anyway, we are a dancing family which means I always have music playing and we are always dancing. Sunday mornings? Frank Sinatra with a little Amy Winehouse. Shower/Shit/Shave? Outkast radio. Car pool drop off? Robin Schultz. Brunch/lunch/snack? Fitz and the Tandrum. Driving anywhere alone? Jay Z mix and occasionally Bob Marley. You get the point. Anyway, along with my great taste and love for music comes curse words that I kinda don’t hear anymore. A couple days ago, I was in my bathroom doing my hair and wyatt appears and said, “Did he say a bad word?” “No, i dont know, get outta here.” “Mom, he said a bad word..” “Well i dont know because I wasn’t listening. Get out.” “Well he said ‘fuck your face’.” Completely satisfied with what he said, he immediately turned around and walked out of my room. I thought for a second and had to replay the stupid song by Drake that was still on, on my “John Legend” #loveydovey #allofmelovesallofyou #idontcurse radio when I realized Drake DID say that. How long was wyatt’s little ass in my room listening to this #obnoxiousonlybecausehecursed song? And how many times has he said fuck fuck fuck in his head because he didn’t struggle with that word one bit. Didn’t even stutter. It was actually perfect. A little too perfect…

#2. Today, I was feeding the twins and I was of course singing the “how funky is your chicken” song I used to make all the kids in the neighborhood sit around me while I did some cheer moves and danced to in middle school and watch. Everyone knows I still don’t know lyrics but I have rhythm so I make up “amazing” words and it works out. πŸ™„ Anyway the second time I sang the “come on with your hot pants, come on with your hot pants, and shake your caboose, shake shake your caboose” part, I heard snickering from the kitchen table so I looked over there only to find wyatt on the chair SHAKING HIS ASS WITH HIS ‘HOT PANTS’ DOWN. I dont care how hard his shakes his butt, but the pants down thing is obnoxious. At least he keeps his underwear on I guess πŸ’πŸ»

the devil drinks kale poop

I can’t speak for you but waking up to a dirty house rarely happens ’round here. It instantly makes my husband want to start a new twitter handle (@tweetsfromthedevil) and screenshot the shit i text him. He says it will be “anonymous” and purely for “entertainment” but ugh. Whatever. Nothing entertaining about dishes in the sink, my wine glass not full and my throw pillows not being at a 90 degree angle!

Anyway, most mornings I make my kids breakfast and while its cooling (burning spicy potatoes) I make myself a morning drink. No not that kind of drink, a healthy one. My kids, especially the baby, loves him some kale and banana (sticking to the subject here) or anything not blended baby food related, really. . so its easy to make this option most mornings. My oldest kid loves most foods too, but he has something to say about everything. E-V-E-R-Y-T-H-I-N-G. Anyway I finished my drink and he looked over and said, “Good job Mom. You finished all your kale poop.”

My Favorite Kale “Poop” recipe

1 cup raw kale

1 banana

1 cup unsweetened almond milk

Use an amazing blender on the “smoothie” setting andΒ  blend. Add half an apple or a bunch of strawberries, if you must, and enjoy your kale poop*.

*plan to spend some time on the shitter as you will be shitting but hey, guess what? Your body will thank you later. Bye!